Sooooo. I think it’s time to dive into school… This bitch will be two parts. There’s just…. So much. I’ll be brushing the surface of school life. Our routine and such. There are two parts to school life, in my opinion….Emotions and Logistics. Honestly, I’ll probably write about school a lot- it’s constantly brining up so many emotions. Like a damn roller coaster( I hate that saying but man it’s so true). So much to learn. So many laws. So much dysregulation. So much sadness. Honestly, I can’t say so much happiness at this moment with Elle- but my big kids, there’s happiness in all of this. I’m going to talk all about the emotions in this post. Alllll the feelings and emotions with all three children of mine. The next post- I’ll talk about hiring an advocate, getting support- and making an IEP that’s the damn Cadillac of IEPS(IEPs are how you get skinny 😜) getting assessments and how to make sure that happens, just allllll the things I’ve learned in our first year at school. But for now- I’m feeling alll the feels as we just wrapped part 4 of Elle’s IEP, still not finished, so I’m going to roll with that…

I don’t really know where to start. In case you are new here, I write this like I’m writing in my journal. So my thoughts can be all over the place. I think maybe the place to start is with my oldest and work my way down to Elle. Like I said, this will be allllll about alllll the feels- and the next blog will be about the facts…

My oldest. She’s…. Well… she’s a power house. She’s a typical badass of a child, young woman. A freakin force to be reckoned with. She’s got over a 4.0. She’s a model student. AP classes. She works really hard. She’s had her struggles, lots of them. Shes a warrior in so many ways…. I’m going to respect her privacy and not get into her life. It’s really hard not to flap all about her. She’s very present and active in our home. On top of other things, we’ve moved around a lot when she was younger. She always made friends and shined freakin brightly. I’m in constant awe of her. As I’ve mentioned on my front page of my blog, she’d like me to keep her life off of this as much as possible…. So I need to respect her wishes, but just know, she’s a bad ass. Shes went through things lots of kids just shouldn’t…. She’s 16 but she’s so wise beyond her years…. And you’d never know. She’s smart and loving and she’s just…. Unreal. She’s an easy, dreamy child in every sense. Her being bad is most teens being good. She does all of her work, is in contact with her teachers. I don’t have to to do much honestly. She’s got amazing friends. She involved in school activities. I had her a month before my 20th birthday. We grew up together. I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I’m forever grateful for the one who made me a mother. And I’m very grateful for her easiness in school and in life in general. One year left in high school then she’s off to college. She’s been a piece of cake… well as piece of cakey as one child can be. She never had to have an IEP. I didn’t even know what one was honestly.

Miles. My boy. My empathetic boy. This rowdy, fun loving boy is generally pretty easy breezy. He loves friends. He can make friends with anyone he meets, adults or children. Hes always struggled a bit with school. This age is hard and a little sad. He’s realizing he’s a bit behind for reading and reading comprehension… it’s majorly setting him back…. He gets so frustrated. He gets pulled out 4 times a week for ELA support and math support and speech. He has an IEP but it’s easy peasy compared to Elle. I handle that IEP on my own. He’s starting to feel embarrassed. He’s not wanting to go to school because he feels “Stupid”. He’s not a sports guy… and is starting to feel different about that…. He is in Cub Scouts. He loves science and the outdoors. He’s just really starting to get all of the emotions that come with growing up. We work super hard to give him confidence and to keep him working hard. Everyday after school the boy does 30 minutes of his Chromebook and 25 minutes of hooked on phonics. It’s so much work. But at his last IEP, everyone was shocked by his growth and progress. I’m talking shocked. I was so fing proud. He met every IEP goal. His teacher told me that he’s friends with every group of kids. I’ll tell you what, the teacher makes the year. Miles has been so incredibly blessed to have had amazing teachers every year so far. I’m talking above and beyond to make sure he has what he needs to thrive. I’m determined to be best friends with his current teacher once school ends, she just doesn’t know it yet 🤣🤣 Being a kid is rough. Luckily we haven’t dealt with major bullying or anything yet with him. He’s over all a happy boy. And school is really no different. I enjoy seeing life through his eyes, school included. He gets sad about Elle. At the first part of the year, he’d hear Elle walking the halls screaming crying. He’d beg to go out and help her. Kids would say mean comments about Elle screaming in the hallway. He feels so many feelings about his sister.He calls her his baby. It’s a lot of stress for him to carry. There’s something to be said about siblings of special needs kids. I plan to do a blog post all about that eventually. I feel so much mom guilt with Miles. I used to be sooo involved with Amaya and her school life. PTA and volunteering whenever and wherever I could. Elle makes that really impossible. I feel like next year, I’ll be able to start getting active with his school…. At their school…. I read somewhere, actually it was in the book Autism Out Loud…. Link in my shop… if you want to make a difference in your child’s life, start at their school. I’m totally feeling that. I volunteer a ton and I need to direct that towards their school. Supporting a school will surely help support the kids that go to it… and those would be my kids. I’m currently sitting in the car, about to meet Miles for a field trip!!!

Elle. Holy shit. This is where my extra emotions come in. Every single damn day is different. My emotions are alllll over the freaking place. I could write about my school feelings about Elle for daysssssss. I don’t know where to start with her journey….. may as well start at Kindergarten….. at the beginning of the school year and get us caught up to today. One day I’ll do a blog about her past….. her journey through special needs preschools and Aba school and public preschool… but not right now.

“Elle, time to get ready. Time to go to school!Let’s go see Ms. E!” This is my usual weekday statement… Mind you, every night before bed I tell her, “There’s school tomorrow Elle” or “No school tomorrow!” As I’m writing this, laughing to myself as she’s saying- “Damn it! I die!” She keeps dying in her Mario game 🤣 So anyways, our mornings run super smooth generally. My husband is already off to work. My big kid is obviously self sufficient…sometimes I make her poached eggs and toast for breakfast 🤣 I get myself up and ready and then the madness begins. Miles gets up easy and gets himself ready now. I wait until 7 to get Elle ready and rollin. She wakes up super early but likes to play in her room with her door shut. I feed her breakfast before she’s dressed for the day. I brush her hair and teeth when she’s in her jammies- if water or food touch her clothing- game over. Then, I get her dressed and socks and shoes and to the car we go. We gather her toys she must take into the car with us and make the 5 minute drive to school. She never flat out refuses to leave the house on school days…. Well she hasn’t yet anyhow…. The issues began once we’d pull into the school parking lot.

We wait in the car until 8:02. I learned to wait in the car with her until the last minute to keep her away from people for as long as possible. And to help make sure nothing gets crazy. Then I gather her things and the little kids and I walk into school. Took me a bit to figure out how to properly handle mornings at school. I can’t leave her until the bell rings and she’s situated… this is when the emotions start. For the first month of school- I was staying for a solid half an hour or longer after the bell rang. She was freakin distraught. I couldn’t make any plans. I was constantly by my phone waiting for the call to come pick her up. I don’t think she stayed past 10:30 for several months. It was so sad to see her like this. She was struggling so badly. Ok ok back to drop off. This is when I often feel allll the things and then go cry in my car while I drive home. Kids need to go wait in the cafeteria, then they get released to play on the playground until the bell rings. Elle and I wait on the outside benches. She hid on my lap. She’d yell at friends if they tried to come near or talk to her…… the past couple of months, she likes to sit in the bathroom stall while I just stand in the bathroom doorway….. this is when the crying came heavily for me…. My girl would rather sit in a bathroom stall than see humans…..every morning where she hides or cries or screams for me, I cry in my car. One day she’s crushing it and one day I’m crying for the next 30 minutes after drop off- ya never know what you’re going to get.

I love kids. I love to chat away with them. This one sweet kiddo, whom talks to me every single day, loves to ask me all sorts of things…. Mainly about if I love their outfit lol lol. I love seeing this kid every morning and chatting with them. It’s so precious. But this kid also breaks my heart on the regular.

• Is Ellie crazy?
• Why does she take her clothes off in front of people?
• Does she wear her headphones at home?
• Why does she only want to play run run?
• You know, she screams a lot and hurts everyone’s ears.
• Is she ever going to not be crazy?
• Why doesn’t she know how to talk to me?
• Why does she do what she wants all day?

This is just a few of the things I’ve been asked from this 1 student. Kids are curious beings. Lots of parents aren’t educated enough on the topic or know how to handle these questions. It’s freakin soul crushing that kids think your kid is weird and different and crazy…. Elles school plays music in the mornings at the entry doors, and two staff members greet the students.. the other day, she couldn’t even enter school… she had to dance until the song was over… everyone was staring.. I just started dancing too and laughing and singing with her until the song ended and she went into school.. But like I’ve said before, these are my issues and emotions… Elle’s just out there dancing and living her life….. and I do my best to dance with her any chance I get.

Let’s talk dysregulation shall we?! And how it just…. Well…. Fucks shit up. Until about a month ago, I never knew what time I’d be getting Elle from school. I’d get calls at any time. Elles screaming for 35 minutes and won’t stop. Elle is being non compliant. Elle keeps eloping. Elles having too many seizures to be at school. Elle pooped in her pants and you need to come change her…. Just…. All the what the fucks. I didn’t make plans that couldn’t be broken. My phone is glued to my hand so I am always reachable. She has early release anyhow. The goal has been to keep her at school until 1pm… that goal seemed like total garbage for many months. One week she’d do great and then do horrible for the next couple of weeks. This crap is stressful. One day she’s crushing it and I’m so happy. I have hope. The next day- she’s come by 11am and I’m crying feeling defeated. Then we wake up and do it all again. It’s really hard to see your child struggling like this. Any parent can relate to that.

Like I said- a teacher makes the year…. This year has been……. Hard. Picking up a dysregulated child almost daily is sad af to see. And honestly, I get angry. It’s just a frustrating situation. Elliott went through several one to one aides before finally getting a permanent one. That’s when things finally started to shift for her. For us. Elle couldn’t find a safe human at school. Her teacher is very old school….. she needs some modern day training badly… badly badly.. you can’t expect to be an inclusive classroom but not get proper training… or just in need of more training. The school systems are broken. But also under funded and under staffed, so it makes sense… but it still makes me mad. Once January hit, I couldn’t take anymore. I sought out a special education advocate to help support me with IEP stuff and to help try to get Elle through her days.

I have a great relationship with the school staff. I reallllllly enjoy them. They are kind and caring and friendly. I can’t wait to show the thank you gifts I got everyone for the end of the school year. I’m around them a lot, and it’s a normal situation. I was so afraid to tell them I was hiring an advocate. My advocate warned me, it’s going to rock the boat but eventually everyone will get over it. .. I was terrified… I can’t be uncomfortable around the staff… I thought that for about 6 seconds then realized, it’s not about you Sadie. You should have seen everyone’s faces when Kaela said we’d be recording the IEP meeting 🤣🤣🤣 it’s a very intimidating situation.. especially when you are emotional.

She reached out to the school that she would be joining my team. By the way you guys- I’m talking about a magical unicorn bad ass woman named Kaela . She owns a business called The Bridge Coaching Services. I’ll post her card in the next blog I do.

I felt instant relief from that moment forward. Seriously- a week or two before an IEP, I panic. The anxiety over powers me. By a few days before, I’m an anti-social mess. Hearing how behind your child is, and having to totally modify her day, it’s a lot- and so far it’s not getting any easier for me to emotionally handle. Last week in part 4 of her IEP crap, she was called academically weak…… academically weak💀💀💀 sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod…. And not go ballistic… another reason I loved our advocate- I was so blind with rage after the first meeting in January that I couldn’t speak words… I just stared blankly and tried not to rage scream. Kaela handled everything with grace and professionalism. She’s my saving grace. And I wish everyone was fortunate enough to have her in their lives. She’s forever changed Elle’s life. And mine. I’ve learned that meeting Kaela and crossing paths with her has opened my eyes and really propelled me into knowing what I want to do in life….. y’all, I’m almost 37… I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But seeing Kaela kick ass and save us, I want to be like her when I grow up🩷 I want to help people fit into this world. Comfortably.

We kept being told that Elle should just know how to do things. All of the other kids in class can do it. She teaches them. She doesn’t know why Elle refuses to do the things……. So you know, I did the mature thing and ignored her teacher and didn’t make eye contact for a solid month like an angry child….. I regret nothing by the way. I feel like being a mom of a special needs kid in school, you are constantly experiencing so many emotions.

Elles IEP is the most magical thing I’ve ever seen. The past month, Elle’s been staying at school. Not just until 1pm.. but until 1:45!!!!!! Like I keep saying, our school really is amazing. Seeing her make it through her days, you can tell her IEP is being followed…. And it’s working! It’s amazing what accommodations and modifications can do for a child. We are trying hard to find ways for her to stay regulated so she can make it through her day. She has her own tiny pink potty at school now in the nurses bathroom, and she now goes to the bathroom at school daily! She was withholding while at school…. She’s got bathroom breaks built into her daily schedule- she has to be prompted to go to the bathroom- but she’s going and it’s a huge damn win. She’s been eating lunch in the cafeteria almost daily now…. Instead of the bench outside. She’s standing in line with her peers more and more. She’s doing more parallel play. She’s trying to interact with peers. She’s playing on the playground every morning instead of hiding in the bathroom. She’s participating in speech now. A lot can happen when you start to focus and hone in on regulation. Being dysregulated is the main reason why school is hard for Elle. Being regulated helps her survive her school days. Somedays we win and some days we lose. But- we are learning. And being vocal to change things. We are working as a team. Team Elle. It’s not me against the school trying to win allll of these things… it is so important to be a team…. I’m so fortunate that we have a Team that is all about helping Elle reach her goals. but I’m not going lie, whenever we win at school, I can’t help but feel like a total bad ass.

I’m tired. And school maxes out my emotions in so many ways. Sometimes I want to yell fuck this and keep her home with me forever….. but I know that won’t help my little girl at this moment of her life. I don’t know what the future holds for her and public school life…. But we are surviving here. She’s surviving. And making progress. And I’m fighting for her to be able to thrive in that environment. I’m feeling over all hopefully….. but sad… always some lurking sadness no matter how many wins we have. Someone please tell me this pain will dull over time. Our advocate saved my life…… and Elle’s at this moment. And my life. Did I say my life?! lol lol My mental health is better because of her. She’s a damn gem. In a world where I am so deeply involved in everything, it’s nice to have a sense of relief when I know I’m fulllly supported in this aspect right now. My husband is so supportive, but let’s be real, he’s no Advocate for special needs law.

All I can do is continue be present and involved and advocating for all three of my children. I will always be fighting for them. As my Dad always said to me while growing up, He’s raising lions-not sheep. I feel very very fortunate for my situation in life… that I’m able to be home and accessible to tend to Elle’s needs freely. I realize how amazing that is. And that’s it’s rare. I’m so thankful to my husband for working so hard to allow me to be able to fully be Elle’s care taker. IEPs generally suck. And are high stress….. And all you can do is be informed… get to know your rights and laws..and celebrate those wins and good days with the people who know how big they are to you… even though they may not seem big to others…