I’m freshly back from an amazing long weekend getaway. I went to Palm Springs for a bachelorette party. I have been in this mindset as to where I’m like, I need this. I’m going to come back and be so relaxed and just ready to kick ass as a mom. Now I’m home…. And that’s not the case…

I came home and told myself- Sadie- don’t be crazy when you get home. It’s not going to be up to your stupid high standards. But you got to go and get away and live free for a few days. And y’all know what I did?! Yup…… I came home. And was angry about the state of my home… and it wasn’t even bad… it was not my finest moment…. My husband is a damn champ. I found myself drowning in a big to do list… trying to play catch up.. but I was so damn tired… for one of the few times in my life, I actually shut down. I ignored my house and read half of a book… the exhaustion shut me down… it made me small.

Not going to lie. I’ve been slacking. Majorly. Usually I’m pretty impressed with myself🤣 I can rock the parent meetings and be super involved in therapies. My house is always pretty spotless and well kept. It is not the case at this moment.

I’m pretty extra. Lol, a major Pinterest mom. Even when I say im going to be mellow and not do life so extra, it just happens. I love to go above and beyond. In all aspects of life. And I take so much pride in all of that. It’s a love language of mine. I am obsessed with hosting our friends and family. I freakin loveeeee making delish homemade cocktails. Any holiday- you bet your butt my kids are waking up with themed food and decor. We have this breakfast nook in the kitchen that has now become the place I decorate and set up for all special holidays and birthdays… most of the time, balloon arches are included. No matter how fing exhausted I am- or what’s happening in life, I make sure they get this magic. I love that I am able to do this for them. Seeing their little faces, it always makes it all worth it…even when I’d rather just go to bed and not do one extra thing because even the thought of showering feels like it will drown me….

My husband, every single Friday like clock work asks, What are we doing this weekend? Sometimes I want to cry. I’ve been running kids to and from all week. Therapies. Therapists in our home. I’m tired y’all. I don’t want to put on a bra and I don’t want to leave my house. I’m usually peopled out by Friday. The idea of getting everyone out of the house on a day off sometimes just feels like too much. And I love being home. It’s such a beautiful safe space for my family. I’ve worked really hard to get it that way. So I love to be here to enjoy it. I feel really fucking fortunate. Some days I love to get out. Don’t get me wrong. But I’ve become a major homebody since having Elle. My public anxiety has increased 10 fold I think.

Also- Elle is 6….. and she doesn’t sleep through the night…… still……. She. Does. Not. Sleep. Through. The. Night. She’s not fully potty trained…. Sometimes guys… my fucking bones ache from exhaustion….. more days than I’d like to admit, I think, just make it till bedtime…… how fucked up is that?!

As a parent, the to do lists just never end… as a special needs parent, it adds a whole new layer. I also have issues to where I feel worthless if im not up and cleaning or being productive. It’s really hard for me to shut off and relax. I vacumm 2-3 times a day…. I’m working in therapy to help me be present in the moments, and not thinking about the future… the future is a dark rabbit whole at times. I’m so bad about that. Anyways, I was chatting with a very close friend of mine and she said, I need to tell you something. She seemed almost ashamed. Then she said, “ Summer just started and I’m so overwhelmed. I’m exhausted. My kiddo constantly needs me to play with him and keep him busy. He always wants to leave the house. There are messes everywhere. I’m so tired. And guys, I was sad for her. She’s the best mom. In what world should she be ashamed to say she’s exhausted trying to raise kids, work, and run her household?! Oh wait- this world…. I have friends who think they will be shamed for putting their kids in summer school, or for hiring a house cleaner.. and I’m like- DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO THRIVE AND SURVIVE…. I mean, I’m always mildly thriving…. Hehehehe.

The toileting needs…. That’s a real bitch. My sweet girl…. I know every parent on the face of this planet knows how exhausting this shit is…. Pun intended… 😆

I also have the need to point out- because I don’t want to be judged as a whiny bitch- I’m very fortunate in life…. And I’m going to say it….. the statement I hate the most…. Life could be worse. It can always be worse. I sometimes want to throat punch humans who say that. But it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes we want to be seen. Life is exhausting. In so many aspects. It’s an exhausting messy little bitch 😆 A friend of mine once said to me, some people just were given different plates to hold their life on. Some people’s plates are made of paper, and some peoples are made of bricks. I feel pretty fortunate that my plate is brick. What seems so heavy to some may seem like a piece of cake for me.. and vice versa. But it doesn’t change how people are feeling…. Exhaustion is exhaustion…. No matter how it shows up.. 2 of my sisters, they are freaking busy. Working full time. 3 kids each, and those kids are allllllll in sports and such. We always joke that once softball season starts that we will see each other in July. It’s funny but it’s totally true. My busy looks much different than theirs, but it’s all the same. Momming is hard. Parenting is hard. It’s exhausting. And that’s ok to admit.

Having these tiny humans….. it’s our responsibility to pull our shit together and show up every single day. And that alone is exhausting. But as I often say, it isn’t about me. It’s bigger than me. It’s about my babies. It always is. It has to be.

I end this blog sitting in bed with Elle. While she eats her same lunch that she eats every single day. It’s 12:30pm and she’s in her underwear with unbrushed hair… my Sonshine and Husband are camping for the night… I’m so thankful they can go enjoy it. My big girl is back on the East Coast. I’m still in my pajamas- my teeth and hair unbrushed as well…. Yesterday was a hard day with her… She eloped from our yard. She had a melt down from not being able to actually touch fireworks, and then ended the night with a big toileting mess. It was sad. I’m going to cry for a minute. I’m going to let myself be exhausted today. I’m going to peel us from bed at 1pm, and go see my Mom and Dad. And let them feed my tired soul. Nothing beats sitting in the sun with my Mom. And rest. And try not to judge myself for needing to be still. There’s always tomorrow to kick ass 🩷