– “I Didn’t Teach Them This—They Just Knew” A tale of the two kids in my home who are siblings to a special needs sister.

• Driving down to San Francisco to pick up my big girl from the airport after her being away for 22 days. Sun is shining. Window down. Hand out in the wind. Counting Crows blaring through the speakers (Thanks Dad). Me screaming each song at the top of my lungs. Contentment. Ease. Peace.

It’s my birthday. I’m wrapped up in such love right now in life. Totally letting myself feel all the feels while I’m driving. I then realized, I’m always feeling the feels…. Whether it’s happiness, contentnees, anxiety, love, grief,compassion, empathy. Sadnsss. Over whelmed. I never know whet I’ll wake up and feel. Am I crazy?! Maybe. But I mainly blame it on …. Bum bum bummmmm, being a special needs parent. Since having Elle, I’ve really learned that I’m freaking emotional. And the only road to survival is to accept them all. Notice them. And feel that shit.

I feel like it’s so so easy to get consumed by my heaviness. I far too often forget about the wonder and light that surrounds my family. And that is my family. Which brings me to my next topic…….. The siblings behind Elle.

Special needs siblings. Man. These kids… They deserve so much recognition. Every. Damn. Day. Mine do at least. They are pure magic. I wish I could take credit for them and their actions. But I don’t really know if I can. They were just made different. or should I say, they seamlessly adapted to what our household and daily lives evolved into.

Our home looks a little different than most. Therapists are a regular fixture here, meltdowns are real and come out of nowhere, it’s hard and kind of rare to do family days outside of the home, and our walls are covered in social stories and hooks with chewy necklaces. Doors have locks and keys. Our gates in our yard have pad locks. Windows can’t be opened. And we have childproof locks that most adults can’t open on our exterior doors.

So- like I’ve said many times- my big girl doesn’t want to be mentioned and have her life out in the open at all. But I have to do a small shout out… because she’s…. Well…. Unreal. For a long, long time, I really didn’t leave Elle. Amaya. I can leave Elle with her and never even have to worry. She knows what she eats, calming techniques, and most of her language and communication needs. She will clean up poop and pee accidents…. And she will play games with her in ways that engage Elle. Fighting Super Smash Bro style with Big Sis is one of Elle’s fave past times. Amaya is so kind. And gentle. And empathetic. I know notice her patience and calm tone with everyone. Especially Elle and Miles and other young children. She’s got a major soft spot for the special needs community. I keep saying she needs to go into the special needs field. She knows more than the average adult. It’s so special to see. But her eyes are set on the medical field…. I guess I’ll accept that🤣🤣🤣 so while I could go on and on about her….. I’ll stop. But she’s such a detrimental part of our household and supporting Elle. It’s so special, I am having a hard time capturing it in words.

Miles. My boy.

Where do I even start with this little man. Let’s start with the fact that he’s 8, and him and Elle have lots of different rules. I was always raised being told, “Life isn’t Fair.” And I couldn’t agree with that statement more. Every human is different. Therefore- they have different needs and need different rules and need different parenting styles. Judge this next statement all you want- we all know how I feel about that….. it’s mean… 😆 Elle gets unlimited screen time…. Yup. I said it. We do it. I have zero fing shame about it. Unlimited screen time. She’s got her IPad and her Nintendo Switch Lite that only leave her sight when she’s at school, doing therapies, or if we are eating in a restaurant…. And it took a lot of ABA to get her to learn to eat out without her tablet on fullllllll blast, and to just have rules about it in general. It’s a learning tool for her. She communicates decently. But her speech isn’t really what you’d call spontaneous. She will say three words usually. Sometimes it’s just- “ Eat! Ellie eat!” “ Ellie tired.” “Uggghhhhh Ellie angry.” She scripts. It’s her main form of communication. She watches videos and movies, and uses those phrases to communicate. For example- she was playing Mario Cart and beat her Aunt. She turned around to her Aunt and said, “ It’s like I always say, You win some you lose some!” We cracked up. Two days later I heard the YouTube video playing and it said that quote. Usually her sentences, we can pin point exactly what videos she’s been watching and where she heard it from. They are always used appropriately. Right now she keeps saying, “ Classic Ellie.” It’s great. But hard to understand and learn. She communicates a lot with song lyrics and songs as well. Anyways- she learns sooo much from technology. So much. It’s also a safe space for her. She has full control. Miles- he does not have free reign on his IPad and such. In fact, he went 5 months without his last year. He turns into an IPad monster. But you know what? He never complains. Ever. He never whines that it’s not fair that Elliott can always have technology. He never gets upset if she takes the Mario Cart card from the switch while he’s playing it…..sometimes I feel so sad. He doesn’t get to have that typical playing with siblings with Elle. It looks way different.

Sometimes Miles will say, “I’m sad Ellie can’t play with me like I want.” He wants someone to play Dino’s in the yard with. Climb his favorite tree with. Be his little partner in crime. They play. She loves him. But she’s specific and limited with how they play and interact. For example- he sometimes asks to sleep with her. And she makes him get the white Nintendo Switch and play it in her bed so she can watch him. He screams at her, “Run, run Ellie!!” And he chases her through the house. Their play is pretty scripted and rarely spontaneous. But we are working on it. Always working on things.

When Elle started school it was really rough. She was walking the halls with her aide, they were trying to get her to stop crying and screaming. Miles heard her. Kids were saying, man who is screaming. Someone make her stop. He was so upset he cried at his desk. Then he got mad because he wanted to go find her to calm her down 😭

Miles holds a lot of anxiety due to Elle and her health issues. He’s always afraid she will have a seizure. He’s afraid she will drown. He’s afraid she will escape the house. He’s scared she will fling the car door open while we drive. He’s scared people will be mean to her. He’s scared she won’t have friends who love her. He’s scared she will be mistreated by teachers and aides. He begged to come see her at a routine EEG stay at the hospital and we finally let him last year. And, he was so sad seeing her in the hospital bed with the electrodes all over her little head and an IV in her hand. He is her forever protector. As he says, “ She’s my baby.” I feel a lot of grief for the fact that he has been forced to grow up a lot faster than the average 8 year old. A lot of grief that his life looks different than most. But I also feel such a profound amount of pride and love for him. He’s pure magic in every sense. I feel so proud to be raising this magnificent little being.

He will be the first one to grab her hand and dance with her to the non existent music playing in her head. He will be the first one to talk her through deep breathing when she’s having a melt down. He never ever hits her or pushes her back when she hits him out of no where… He does all of this unprompted. It’s so beautiful to see. He’s so kind and patient with her. He’s her number one life cheerleader.

We recently had a big bbq. A girlfriend of mine brought her daughter over who is special needs. And this sweet girl was roaming around the house with her headphones on and living her best life. She’s almost 4. At one point I looked over and saw Miles sitting with her on the floor. He was like- Mom, she’s special needs. She needs all of the friends in the whole wide world like Ellie does. He continued to sit with her and play and talk to her until he decided he wanted to go be with his friends… He then saw her mom and told her he had to go upstairs 🤣 I feel so proud and grateful that I can offer a home full of love, kind humans, and such a safe space for all kids. Especially the special ones. It’s fucking magical.

I highly encourage you all to talk to your children. And other adults. It’s not embarrassing to me or uncomfortable for me to be asked about Elle. If she’s stimming, ( flapping her arms and jumping with joy, or laying on the ground in a crowded store, or laughing and reciting movie quotes over and over out loud to herself), sometimes just a smile and nod of acknowledgment can make a world of difference.. heck…. Join in the dance party we often have…. in public…. She’s amazing. And not embarrassing. She is happy. And we fully embrace her doing whatever she needs to be regulated and happy. And her siblings……. They aren’t embarrassed. They accept every part of having a special needs sibling and do so so boldly and proudly, and just beautifully. I’m so proud and honored to be raising the kind of humans that I wish the world had more of.