Man…. School…. In Elle’s words- “Schools the worst”.

This will be a small two part blog post. Part one- the anxiety and such with school beginning. Part two- me advocating hard to hope you all spread awareness to your kiddos who are in the school systems and around special needs kids 🤎

So, I’m kind of on a high right now. It feels like I’m floating… since Monday… it’s Thursday… I don’t know the last time that this has happened… I’m trying not to get used to it so the fall isn’t that hard… but I’m going to let this shit ride. I just got done podcasting and had a killer ABA parent meeting… and then Elle got home and I read the note from her aide about her day…. Sad face circled. Too much disregulation, and refusal to do anything at all for the entire day. Wham. I’m back down. That was fast 🤣

School. Last year was.. well… The worst experience ever. She didn’t make it full days. Super disregulated… I have a previous blog post alll about it so I won’t dive into it right now.. but it was lots of anxiety and frustration and tears.. We toured the school a few days before school started. Elle doesn’t do change. At all. New aide. New classroom. New teacher. New resource room…. She screamed and cried and I cried… I was so afraid to start school. It was disastrous needless to say.

School is scary and anxiety ridden for any child going. Special needs kiddos going into school…. It’s just… well…. Fucked. When your child can’t tell you how their day was or what happened at school, things get a lot more stressful. Add seizures into this mix.. it’s always a lot to explain to new team members.

I feel like there isn’t really a place for Elle yet. Due to her diagnosis- it’s just a matter of time before she ends up in a special needs classroom full time. Which is totally fine. It’s where she needs to be. She’s not fully in need of that yet.. But as a mom, I think it’s time for that switch… if I can find something around here.. But she’s still in this limbo right now where with support, she can manage a typical classroom…. But her days are long and hard for her…. And I’m sure for the other kids in her room…. She’s not learning much. She screams a lot….. she refuses to do things most of the time. Her days are a little play but mostly her just running between the resource room and her typical classroom trying to keep herself regulated. More often then not her notes from the aide everyday say she was disregulated most of the day and non compliant…. This.. this makes me sick and sad. Do we keep trying with the typical room- where the mental gap between her and her peers is just getting bigger and bigger and bigger? Do we switch her schools and separate her from her brother to one that has a fully functional classroom for special needs kids more like her? Am I stunting her growth if I do this? Am O stunting her growth by keeping her where she is? I don’t know what the right move is. Do I give her a couple of months and go from there? What if there’s no room for her now at the other school since schools already started? They say it’s best to let her learn from typical kids…. But what happens when she complete blocks the kids out 90 percent of the time and just wants the company of her adult aide? And further more, why is there no fucking manual on how to navigate the school systems for special needs parents? Someone helllppppp meeeeee 🤣

The heavy anxiety just never goes away. For my son, my anxiety about his school goes away in a few days. And I can watch him go through the year. But with Elle, it’s the constant waiting by my phone for the phone calls saying she needs to be picked up because she can’t handle her day. It’s the call to come clean her up because she had a potty accident. It’s the call saying she got hurt and is crying but no one is sure exactly what happened or where she’s hurt…. It’s the call saying she’s been asleep for 3 freaking hours and if they should wake her up. It’s the call saying she’s got black circles under her eyes and had several seizures. It’s the call that she hit a kid because they were in her space and she was too frustrated to get her words out. or the call that she’s been crying for over an hour for me and to go home….

She’s getting so much support. The school has made some changes and it’s amazing. More special needs friendly for sure. We just live in such a small area where I’m starting to fear she won’t fully get what she needs.

I feel so much relief right now in so many aspects of life. Elles doing so great. She’s understanding so much more, making everyday life a little easier. And it feels really great. But school, someone please tell me this shit will get easier…

I bought Elle’s teacher a super little welcome back gift. A coffee mug, some cozy socks, a face mask, things like that… but most importantly i included a book. It’s about an autistic kiddo in school and about differences but for young kids to understand. She read it to the class to help them understand a little about Elle.

If I have one hope, and can ask anything of parents with kiddos in school, it’s to teach them🤎 ask questions. Show them videos and make them aware of special needs kids. They aren’t crazy or weird… as kids often say to me about Elle.. which i try not to cry every dang time. The same sweet girl i love and have mentioned before, i saw her for the first time yesterday. And Elle recognized her. And Elle was flapping her hands and saying some sort of gurgled script about have the best first day of school and then high fived her…. Over and over and over and the little girl said, oh I see Ellie’s brain is still crazy… kill me man. Just kill me. I think it’s so important to teach them about it. Teach them to be a little kinder, and gentler, a tiny bit more patient if possible. don’t be afraid to bring it up instead of just brushing it off. In this day and age, i feel like there are so many more special needs kids out there than ever before.

So here I am. I’m at home stress cleaning my days away. Carpets are cleaned, tile floors are about to sparkle. I’ll just be patiently waiting for someone to tell me it will get easier with time. Until then, you can find me constantly checking my phone for missed calls from the school and putting all of my might into this blog and my podcast. Next I’ll update my store. Cheers to you mamas out there. I hope you are all making time for some self care to survive. I’m only a week into first grade and already exhausted. 🤎🤎🤎🤎