Thank you all for bearing with me while I just ignored my blog for an entire month. I’ve been drowning. But, I feel like bringing a different kind of awareness to my blog this month is a big must do. I want to share a story about ME. This will be short, I won’t go into major detail don’t worry. 🤣

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

For as long as I can remember….. I had horrible menstrual cycles.. I remember my first ovarian cyst at the age of 16 rupturing. I thought I was dying. I woke up screaming. My parents actually called the ambulance and I was rushed to the ER. Who knew those were a thing? I got my PCOS diagnosis then. From then on, I remember things just never being easy or great in that department for me. I suffered from horribly heavy cycles- and countless ruptured cysts. I just learned to deal with the pain. I had my oldest child a month before my 20th birthday. I was pretty shocked thinking I’d have problems ever trying to conceive. My pregnancy was full of vomit lol lol but other than that, it was healthy and normal and I had the most beautiful baby girl that ever existed earth-side- she’s now 17.🤎

After her, my pain got worse. As did my cycles. They were erratic and were starting to run my life. I was young. I didn’t really know what to do. Again- I just lived through it all.

My husband and I decided it was time for a baby. I got pregnant after several months of trying…. It felt wrong from the beginning.. lots of cramping. I’ll never forget the experience of my first miscarriage…… I remember it all still to this day so very vividly… where I was, the date, screaming to my husband, the drive to the ER.. I remember sitting in the room being scanned and the lady turned the monitor away from me when I was frantically searching the screen for a heartbeat… I knew the second that she turned the screen away from me that we had lost our baby. The mental and physical pain…. I remember sitting at my gynos office in so much physical pain.. then just being told, you’re fine, it will pass…. I had no idea what it meant when he said it will pass….. what passing the sac and baby meant… until it happened…. I felt like a lunatic for being so upset… traumatized. I very vividly remember that as well… the feelings. The pain. The shock. I felt guilty. I felt like I failed miserably. I felt alone. I felt stupid for grieving the loss of this brand new baby fetus that I was baking for only a short 11 weeks..I’ll never forget the humans who messaged me to share their stories similar to mine. I truly had no idea it was so common. It was so kind and loving and comforting. I wasn’t alone. And there’s a lot of solace in knowing you are not alone.

Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I am that 1.

And you know what….. they don’t really get easier. 3. I’ve suffered 3 miscarriages over the years. They were all within a short timespan. But there’s nothing like the first one. By the third, I just expected it to happen. I cried and mourned, but in a much more “efficient manner” if I dare say. After my first miscarriage and months and months of trying, we magically conceived and had a beautiful healthy baby boy. He’s 8 now 🤎 I tried instantly after giving birth to him for our next child. They say that’s when you are the most fertile. I had two miscarriages back to back before we got pregnant with our Elle. I do NOT believe all things happen for a reason. I hate that saying. I believe things happen. Things happen and we have to deal with it. We have a make a choice. And you can choose to move forward and accept things or stay complacent and stuck and unaccepting of the cards you’ve been dealt.

Pregnancy didn’t come super easy for me. But also not super hard like many warrior women out there. I consider myself blessed and fucking lucky. I saw a specialist after a while to help us. I learned that my tubes would fill up with fluid frequently due to my cysts bursting…I also learned that I was perimenopausal… and that a lot of my pain was from my endometriosis which I had no idea was a thing to be very honest…

I remember walking and feeling like I was getting stabbed by a knife over and over…. Come to find out, it was just my ovary being completely pinned down by my endometriosis.

After a couple of small procedures, I got a full hysterectomy when I was 33 years old, forever officially ending my baby making journey in this world. I was done having children… the trying and miscarriages made being done after Elle a very easy decision… but it hits different when you physically can’t. I’ve had one more procedure since then to remove quite a bit of lesions. Since then it’s been quite a game of trying different hormone dosages and things. I often got so lost in the care of my family and everyone else that for years, I forgot or just ignored my own needs. Still do. Typical, right?

I feel like anything pregnancy wise is so taboo to talk about it. It feels lonely. Well, it did when I was in the thick of it. I love advocacy in all ways. Especially since having Elle. For all of the things. Bringing awareness to pregnancy loss, it’s a must. And something not talked about enough. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t dramatic. You’re human.

I have had quite the journey to get here. I have been extremely, extremely blessed to have been 3 beautiful babies. I feel so damn fortunate and grateful.

To all of the women out there who have suffered a miscarriage or loss of a beautiful, tiny unborn fetus- my heart is with you. It’s ok to mourn. You are not alone by any means. Feel it all then allow it to pass🤎

“ An angel in the book of life
wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as she closed the book “too beautiful for
earth”.

-Triniti, You sent me this many years ago. I send it to anyone I know who miscarries… it’s my favorite quote🤎

And to all of the mothers out there who have suffered earth-side infant loss- I can’t even begin to fathom the weight of that monumental core shaking type of loss you’ve experienced….I can only pray, send an abundance of love, let my heart feel heavy for you and your tremendous loss, and leave you with this.

“Grief is like an old backpack you didn’t choose to carry, heavy at first, but over time, you learn how to shift the weight and keep walking with it, not because it got lighter, but because you grew stronger.”

I hope that any woman who feels the weight of this month takes some time to reflect, love yourself, show yourself some grace, and feel like a damn Goddess Warrior 🤎 You are seen.

“The Child I Never Held”

I never heard your little cry,

Nor kissed your tiny feet,

I never rocked you late at night,

Or watched you softly sleep.

I never saw your eyes grow wide

To see the world anew,

But deep inside, my soul still holds

A boundless love for you.

You lived a life within my heart,

So brief, yet ever real,

No time could dim the ache inside,

The loss I always feel.

Yet still, I carry all your light

In every breath I take—

The dream of you, my silent star,

No sorrow can unmake.

So though we walk this world apart,

A part of me you stay—

Forever loved, forever missed,

Not born, but not away.

I’d like to send extra extra love to one of the few warrior infant loss friends I have in particular.. My dear friend H. She’s suffered infant loss and a miscarriage. She’s the kindness, most gentle, loving human I’ve ever known. I will never forget when I had my first miscarriage, you were the first one to show up, with pizza and cocktails- and just be there.. in a way that I didn’t know I was allowed to need. You’d never know the quiet pain she carries and has endured. I hope you know how strong and fierce you are. You’d never ever know you’d experienced any sadness in your entire life. That’s a gift to be able to carry weight the way you do. I’m just in awe of you 🤎