I’ve been trying to think of where to start with my first blog post….. the idea of this all is to document what we are going through in the now….. so with that in mind…. And after Tuesdays life, I instantly knew where to start…

Hello world. I’m Sadie. I’m a Mom of 3- one of them is our forever baby. And today’s blog is called….. Just what in the actual F@*k?!

I feel like-well clearly- life is always and forever changing…for everyone. Just when I think we have Elle’s life dialed and manageable-BOOM! She gets to the next phase of life and then it’s… well.. all went to shit. She’s 6. She’s big and strong. It’s hard to pick her up and get her dressed and ready to leave the house and go out into the world when she doesn’t want to. After she spent most of Spring Break in our hall closet with a blanket and pillow refusing to leave the house, I knew it was no longer fair to my family, and that it was time to make a change.

We have never had a psych eval done. We do so much ABA therapy- use icons- and so many things to make her life happy and manageable. I instantly thought- maybe she’s got anxiety? Autism is super weird. It’s like, what is part of the autism umbrella and what is separate? I made an appointment and saw her pediatrician who I love. We talked for an entire hour. I was unaware that we could get a psychiatrist to help us manage these new needs. Blew my mind. You mean I don’t have to keep navigating this alone?! Google is my main case manager for Elle 🤣🤣🤣🤣💀

To be honest, I know this is how our beautiful girl will be forever….but it’s really easy to get lost in the day to day and not think about her getting older and the next stages of her little life. I broke down… In the office.. the Dr cried with me. Time to build another team to help us navigate this next stage of life for our warrior girl. I just still thought….. she will overcome all of this…. Delusional I know…. But it’s just an easier way for me to cope honestly. I cried all day Tuesday. Cried in the car. Cried in the grocery store. Cried when I picked her up from school and just held her close and kissed her tiny beautiful face off…. Cried in the shower.. then I decided like I always do, time to take action Sadie.

When I left the Drs office I immediately text my husband, my mom, and then one of my closest special needs warrior mama friend. She said it best… she didn’t say I’m so sorry. She said what I needed to hear. Just… what the f@*k…. And I laughed. It’s so true. This is real life. And sometimes there’s nothing left to say except exactly that.

Something about building a new team to manage this big kid stage just gutted me. Tore my heart from my chest… like ok… we really are in this forever…It hit me hard. I’m still recovering from it. This. Is. Our. Forever. Sometimes it’s suffocating.. and I feel so lonely.And sometimes I feel like a horrible human for even thinking this. Why. Why why why is this out forever? I’m already so tired. It’s a state of constant fight or flight mode. One day things are fabulous and light and I’m on cloud 9 and kicking life’s ass. Then the next day it’s a crushing weight and I can’t breathe.

Today I’m feeling ok. I’m feeling productive. We got a referral in for two psychs, and a referral in to UCSFs STAR center for Autism Spectrum Disorder and Neurological Developmental Disorders. I’m feeling hopeful and not so alone. I feel an immense sense of relief knowing there are professionals out there to help us manage this next stage of life and whatever that may be and look like. We start a new medication tomorrow…. Let the trial and errors begin!

As I sit here writing this, I’m sitting in the sun on my porch, listening to Hot Country on Spotify, drinking coffee and baileys, crying and smiling like a lunatic. I’ve got my bi weekly ABA parent meeting in 10 minutes followed by her annual RCRC meeting… and I’m just sitting here thinking, Here we go Sadie. This is where we are in life. I’m feeling grateful and hopeful.

We’ve built an incredible team to surround us and our girl to help guide us on this never ending journey. I will have lots of ugly days…. And so so many beautiful ones. We celebrate all of the time. But right now is also filled with just so many… Just what the f@*ks…

See you all next Friday for my weekly Blog posts friends- thank you 🩷