Usually I can just pick up my phone and start whipping up a blog. Nothing has been tugging at me to write. As I write this, I’m sitting in my car, just dropped Elle at summer school, and I’m crying my little eye balls out. I’m about to head home and pack for a 3 night away bachelorette party trip….. Yes, time to write 🩷 Mom guilt. That’s what I’m mainly feeling I think. I feel that shit alllllll of the time…. A lot of the time….. tooo much of the time. Anyone else out there struggle with this?!

Hi, I’m Sadie and I suffer from Mom Guilt. Mom guilt. It’s the worst. My mom guilt man, shows up for all three of my kids. It’s always been suffocating more often then not. But I’m working on that and it’s getting much better. I’m not sure where to start. So, I’m a mother of 3. 17 year old, 8 year old, and a 6 year old who’s special needs with some pretty severe anxiety right now. Let’s just go down the list for how it shows up differently with every child I have.

My 17 year old. It was just her and I for a long time. I met my current husband when she was just about to be 5. Our son was born when she was 8. That’s a long time to be the lone soldier of a household. We did alllllll the things. Tons of trips. Lots of snuggles. Sports. Friends houses. I volunteered in her classes and schools and field trips. What? You want to go get ice cream at 5pm on a Wednesday, load up girl, we ride in 5! I had some mom guilt in these days. Not much. I had to miss stuff due to working, just typical mom guilt. Parent guilt type of stuff. Why can’t we be rich so I can stay home and play all day?!🤣 Then my Sonshine came into the picture. She was in love and obsessed with him from the get go. She still is. And he was great in a stroller. So, life basically continued as normal…. With just minor adjusting to having a baby in the house. He was a little baby champ. Then we had Elle- and it was hard for me to do things with Amaya with two little kids at home with us. We stopped traveling and taking mini trips. It was hard to go out to eat. My husband and I had to switch sports games or miss them all together…. Life was busy and difficult to do the things with two tiny kids. Mom guilt. I felt horrible for missing the things and stepping back. I felt guilt for having my attention having to be split over multiple kids. I remember asking my mom one day right before I had Miles, “Mom, are you sure I’m going to love him like I love Amaya? How can someone hold that much love for multiple kids?” It was a real fear of mine… and she said, “Sadie, you just do.” I’m one of 5 kids, so she knows a thing or two.

Having Elle- reallllllllly made my mom guilt show up- in so many different ways. I often felt and still do feel like most of my patience and attention goes to her to be totally honest. I’m her safe space. And her go to person. That shit is exhausting. Am I a shitty mom for feeling this way? I don’t know. Am I a bad mom for making her do extended school year and ABA therapy several days a week after school? Maybe. I feel guilty like she should be relaxing and resting and I’m making her do therapy and things. I believe it’s the right thing to do with every fiber of my being. But my mom guilt is there with every decision I make I feel like. I vividly remember Elle was just born- miles was 2. My husband was gone. One kid was crying from their upstairs bedroom and one was crying from their downstairs bedroom- and I remember being in that newborn daze……. and I froze at the top of the stairs and just cried. Who the f do I go to first? Who’s the most dire? Mom guilt. I hope I’m not alone in feeling these things…. And feeling like this. Mom guilt shows up in such different ways for lots of moms I feel like…. Well I like to think so, so I don’t feel like such a crazy nut job. 😆

My sweet boy. Miles is so empathetic. Basically, I’m Elle’s human and my husband is Miles human. And it teenagers floats between each of us with her needs. They do tons of father son stuff. I leave with Elle and stay home with Elle. I get so sad, I feel like I’m failing as a mom sometimes because of it. It was really hard when he was younger. But now he understands that our world is different than lots of other families we know. And that this is our normal. I used to cry on nights and days where Elle just needed me. And no one else could calm her. I basically became confined to our home. And I’d just cry. My family was out having fun and making memories and I was the missing mom. I felt guilty that I had another child who needed all of me…. And in her earlier years of life, she really did need all of me. Sounds fucked up to say out loud but you know, might as well share it all. I felt guilty for wanting a third baby. I had so many fertility issues… And I often felt and feel like it’s just all my fault. I love Elle with my entire being. But I baked her differently somehow. And our whole world looks different. I will carry this form of mom guilt for-fucking-ever with me.

There’s such a heaviness of mom guilt surrounding being a special needs parent and having multiple children. I feel like it’s rarely talked about. Sorry kids- we can’t do this because Elle can’t handle it. Sorry guys- another summer where we can’t go camping because Elle’s not ready to handle that. Sorry kids- can’t go to that park because it’s not safe for Elle. Sorry we have to watch the same movie on the tv for the next 6 months so Elle won’t lose her shit. Sorry she pulled your hair and hit you, she just can’t communicate. The list seems endless at times. Special needs siblings deserve to be praised every damn day. They are the real MVPs of our household.

Yall, I’m packing and flying to Palm Springs….. for a bachelorette trip….. and I’m so excited i could pee my little pants. But…. Buttttttttttttt….. fing mom guilt. I booked my plane ticket immediately several months ago after being invited…. Just so I wouldn’t back out. Thank gosh I did because I would have backed out 🤣 My husband. He’s such a damn gem. I know everything will go so smoothly when I’m away for 4 full days. But- my mom guilt is making me sick. The kids will do great. But Elle could be disregulated… all because of me throwing off her routine. She just started summer school, and I’m about to f up her week. Why do I need to go have fun and do something like this when it isn’t a must? She’s going to be so sad and thrown off….. all because I need to go out of town….. just kill me now….

I love to go out to dinner. My husband and I try to date night often. I have a girlfriend who I have a standing once a month date night with. We eat sushi and drink wine and flap for hours. Funny thing is, sometimes I have zero guilt. Zero. I’m like, I need to get the heck out man. And that feels great. We need to try to learn to pause the mom guilt…. Even just a tad. It’s ok to be me. And it’s ok for me to be a human and exist outside of being a mother. Is it right? I’ve been doing the things the past couple of years… probably too many things honestly. I was able to leave Elle and kind of went crazy. I volunteer a ton. And just enjoy adult time to be honest. I crave ot sometimes. Why do i need to feel guilty about that?

It felt so dark for the past few years. Life was heavy and exhausting. I’ve learned that I need self care to survive. To thrive. And that’s OK. When I leave and take care of myself, I’m able to come back home and show up in a much better way- most of the time anyhow. Self care can look huge, like going to a weekend mother’s retreat. Or small, like a bath with a great book… with the bathroom door locked…… 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve learned to find and love my people. I’ve learned that being intentional with who I spend my rare free time with and choose to love and be around is just, it’s a necessity. I am 37 and finally feel like I’ve found my humans in life. There is also something really important about finding other special needs moms. They just, they see you differently. They see into your soul and feel your world. And there’s a kind of fucked up comfort in that….. knowing they go to battle everyday just like you. I often joke about it, but I’m like a special needs mom collector 🤣 I have now officially reached out to two moms on Facebook….. one is now one of my favorite humans. And the other, she’s feeling lost and alone in the trenches… and I’m so happy we are connecting. When you get diagnosis for your child, it’s so hard. You feel so damn alone for way too long. It took me a year or more to start to find community… you just suffer quietly alone. Another really close special needs mama of mine said- I wish I had a support group or friends in the early stages of everything… my dream is to change that. And make that become a reality somehow.

With all of that being said. I’m commited to being a better mom. Which means a better me is needed. I’m 37, and for the first time in my life, I’m finding my niche. I finally feel like I have a purpose in life outside of being a mother. All roads have led me here. And through recent series of events and chance encounters, I’m hoping to start courses in October to be on my way to being a Special Needs Advocate for parents navigating the school system…. I’ve got my blog going…… annnnnnndddddd a very close special needs mama friend and I are in the early stages of starting a passion project….. a podcast about life for a family with neurodiverse kiddos called Mildly Thriving. We won’t be launching anytime toooo soon. But we are doing things. And I feel a fire inside of me that I don’t think I’ve felt before. I feel very blessed and fortunate.

My kids are all thriving. I’m working on me. And I’m excited for life right now. And it feels fucking great.

Somehow, we need to learn that it’s ok to be us. My entire being isn’t just Mom. I need to try to remember that I’m many things… a wife, a friend, a daughter. And nothing is wrong with taking care of YOU so you can take care of your WORLD. So friends, go for that job, reach out and make friends and connections, you may be surprised by how much you can thrive, even when you are in the trenches 🤎